It Keeps Happening

The moment I apologize for something, I start doing it again. When I make goals, I break them. Why do my wants and actions not line up? What I am doing drives me crazy!

I realize that I cannot do anything on my own. I cannot speak kindly, be patient in trial, or mortify my flesh alone. I definitely feel Satan's attack on me right now. Tomorrow is my piano proficiency exam. I keep repeating this mantra: if I get nervous, I won't play well; if I don't play well, I will not pass, which means I'll have to take piano again. After that come my numerous exams. Try as I might, I cannot stop being nervous. "Cast your cares on the Lord." I keep telling myself. Can I live it out? No. What is wrong with me?


Romans 7:15-25 speaks to this problem.
"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me.  For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

So it is Jesus who rescues me from the ruts I am in. The struggle inside myself is not all encompassing, and I need not be consumed by it. Praise the Lord!